Wasteland Campaign

And the Law Lost

Timeline: ????

Ketyl’s POV

It wasn’t long before a fight broke out. We struggled to fight against the overwhelming onslaught of the golems and the wizards. We eventually managed to stop the fight after Kronk sent us hurtling through time and opened the exit hatch. The scenery revealed a massive battle and the gnomes called for a ceasefire.

They claimed that we had to be VERY careful as we were now at one of the most pivotal times in history: the founding of the Ashavite religion thousands of years ago. I had not planned to go to the endgame this early. The gnomes explained that anything done here could cause a massive paradox unlike anything we’d done before. Suddenly, Lyanna revealed that she wanted to stay at this point in time as it was her destiny to die here and spread the word of Ashava and the Messiah.

I tried to calm her down, reminding her that we could come back to this point in time later, perhaps with more of a plan. Then, the ultimate shocker came when Dan pulled the lever, turning off the artificial gravity and sending us all tumbling towards the exit. Lyanna and most of the gnomes tumbled through, while the head gnome was restrained by Korbin. Dan quickly flipped the switch back on once Lyanna had gone through. Luckily, she had the jetpack and we heard the telltale sound of it activating. Soon, a massive explosion of energy boomed outside, and a portal appeared. Apparently, a dozen golems and gnomes crashing into the middle of a massive battle they’d never been a part of caused a pretty significant paradox. Unlike our previous paradoxes, though, this one had far worse consequences.

It was spreading. The portal grew until it seemed to consume everything. The gnome began to panic, saying that a portal to the Feywild had opened so violently that the two planes had merged. I was FURIOUS with Dan and asked the gnome if there was any way to fix this, when Kronk quietly suggested that we could just leave things this way. I quickly put two and two together and realized that Kronk WANTED this to happen. I couldn’t believe that the man I trusted with my life was willing to throw the entire world away for his own selfish desires. As I looked upon the energy spilling out from the portal, I began to realize that the story I had hoped to tell of Dan’s TIme Dudes… a story of gallant heroes who risked everything to save the world and the future…was nothing but a sham.

We are not heroes. The group is made of reckless children who can’t even trust each other. I looked upon the gnome cop, realizing that I didn’t even know his name. Perhaps we really deserved to be imprisoned, especially now that our world was now completely consumed by the Feywild. Millions of innocent people were now erased and I seemed to be the only one who cared.

The gnome piped up, claiming that we MIGHT be able to fix the paradox by releasing a burst of temporal energy, but too large a burst could end up destroying the ship and killing us. Even if we survived, we would be stranded. The gnome quipped that all this could have been avoided if we had simply gone with him and discussed how to fix the problem. I wasn’t really convinced of that, but whatever. The others suggested we go to the far future and see if it was really all that bad. Resigned at this point, I reluctantly agreed. When we arrived at our destination, I decided to rest at the time machine with Dan while Korbin and Kronk went exploring. I had no interest in seeing the results of my companions’ recklessness. They seemed excited, thinking our quest might as well be over.

After a day or so, they came running in breathless, claiming that the Fey were on their way to destroy the time machine. Apparently, it was “offensive” to the Archfey since it was not of nature’s design. I wonder, who could have foreseen that the Fey would end being massive dicks? Oh right, anyone who’s ever dealt with a fey.

We’ll Fight the Law

Timeline: 10/09/00-10/10/00-????

Ketyl’s POV

With some quick negotiations, we managed to defuse the situation. Lyanna was named Empress and we decided to let her rule the kingdom after all the time-traveling was over. We’d worry about the whole pesky “Lyanna dies as part of a prophecy” later. It’s not like we haven’t dealt with paradoxes before. As part of the deal with the angels, we asked them to take out all the demons, fire elementals, vampires, and werewolves in the kingdom.

I went to sleep soon after that since it was very late, but apparently Korbin spent his night smuggling the vampires out of the city. Unlike most of his plans, this didn’t directly endanger the timeline, so more power to him. He described it later as being necessary since most of the positions of power in the army were held by vampires and too much of a vacuum could cause chaos. Not being too familiar with the Empire’s politics, I honestly hadn’t thought about that.

In the morning, I learned that the time machine had reappeared and was swarming with demons, per usual. The Elder really has to come up with better plans to stop us other than just throwing more and more demons at us, it’s clearly not working. It’s not terribly surprising that this “mastermind’s” plans are being disrupted by our particular brand of chucklefuckery.

So we destroyed the demons and entered the time machine, but Orin wasn’t there. Instead, we were surrounded by a bunch of gnomes and metal statues (probably some kind of robot). They said that they were time-travelers like us, but from centuries further in the future. I guess our actions had somewhat helped if there’s no apocalypse in the future. Apparently, Orin had not been there when they found it in the future. So either he managed to finally get out of his time loop or he was erased somehow.

They seemed very interested in our travels and learning how paradoxes worked and started writing things down. Suddenly, it hit me why they had come to find us. Time Cops! They were here to protect the timestream and saw us as threats since we caused paradoxes.

They told us that we were under arrest and that we had to be tried in their court of law. We would be granted a lawyer, but everything we had already said would be on the record due to some stupid time law. As we looked at each other, I began to evaluate our options…

The Death of Moldark

Timeline: 10/09/00

Ketyl’s POV

We ran through the sewers to get back to Shao Khan before Moldark could enact his plan. We emerged in the courtyard and bolted straight for the throne room. Two guards tried to stop us, but we took them out quickly. Opening the door, we were confronted with the sight of the Emperor lying staked on the floor with Moldark, Pence, and several minor vampires milling around.

Moldark saw us and the fight was on. I charmed the minions to remove Shao Khan’s stake and to flee, narrowing the battlefield. Dan began firing sunbeams at the remaining vampires, but Moldark was still kicking. Shao Khan briefly reawakened and fought Moldark, but his new demonic powers were still too powerful and Shao Khan had to flee to his coffin. Ethel blasted Moldark twice with the holy salt water gun, reopening wounds and slowing the creature to a crawl.

It wasn’t long before we finally slew the beast that had plagued us since the beginning of our journey. But, there was always a catch. I began to hear a joyous chorus as we looted the bodies and went to heal Shao Khan. I initially dismissed it as celebration that Moldark would not be emperor. As we entered Shao Khan’s tomb, we were followed by a host of angels that had come through a portal opened by the paradox of Moldark’s death.

I managed to convince them that Shao Khan’s presence was actually beneficial to the realm, as he held everyone in check. They gave him the option to be redeemed and he seemed to want to pass on. But we still had the problem of who would rule after the Khan? We asked the angels for a week to find a ruler, but they refused to budge and moved to take the Khan by force.

The Trial

Timeline: 10/09/00

Ketyl’s POV

After our battle aboard the ship, we decided to get some rest before the trial. When we awoke, we managed to sneak our way into the castle undetected. Ethel and Dan went ahead to the throne room while I stayed behind to keep an eye on Korbin, who had attracted Lord Bannon’s attention.

I learned that we hadn’t killed everyone on the boat like we thought and that our past selves were sentenced to hang for our crimes. I wasn’t entirely sure if this would cause a paradox since we were supposed to die around this time anyway, but I didn’t want to chance it. I snuck away to inform Dan and Ethel to discuss our plan to exonerate our past selves. Before I could do that, some commotion happened and Korbin sprinted past me with Bannon struggling to keep up. I saw Bannon smack into what seemed to be nothing and put together that there was some kind of barrier. I managed to hop over it with a little help from the wall hangings.

Once the trial began, we quickly cleared up that our current selves were time travelers that already knew what would happen should Moldark succeed the throne. We also brought forth a lot of damning information that had Zinky and Pence stripped of their titles and power. Moldark claimed that he was trying to find a way out of the contract, but we didn’t believe him.

As we were discussing, suddenly the town erupted in flames and we learned that our past selves had been killed and that fiery creatures were pouring out of portals. We quickly explained that this was a paradox that happened bc Moldark’s men killed us before we were supposed to die.

We quickly mopped up a few of the monsters in the southwest part of the city, before we realized that we had left Shao Khan with Moldark and all the conspirators. He had a chance since he now suspected treachery, but for how long?

We began running back to the throne room to give him a fighting chance.

I Will Go Down With This Ship
And I Won’t Put My Hands Up

Timeline: 10/08/00-10/09/00

Ketyl’s POV

As I was wiping the blood from my mouth, I saw Korbin disappear only to be replaced with Dan.

We managed to restrain the one surviving assassin and interrogate him. He wouldn’t tell us anything until we promised to take him to some point in the future so he would be safe. Like we’re actually going to do that.

Anyway, we didn’t learn too much about Moldark, only that he has a regenerative ability stronger than other vampires, but the holy salt water should take care of that. His team, though, is nothing we can’t handle.

However, the distribution of Slurnbase seems to have stopped completely. Go us! Although that might bode ill for Korbin’s obsessions with those drug tubes.

Apparently, there seems to be bad blood between Count Flynn and Counts Mattis and Pence. We can use that.

Ethel seemed oddly fixated on Lord Flynn, who sent the mercs after us. She seemed to believe he’d have documents that even Priebus, head of Moldark’s staff, wouldn’t have. Seems like a big assumption, but fine. If it all goes tits up, I’m sure Lord Priebus will have the dagger on him anyway.

So we sent the assassin on his way, promising to meet up with him at the fortress near the woods. We found out that Flynn was on a ship a quarter mile offshore, so we rested until early morning to approach by a rowboat we acquired.

As we approached, we were obviously noticed. I was going to say that we were sent by Priebus as backup since one of the assassins wasn’t found, so he must have blabbed…but then Dan and Ethel started trying to sell them those nasty Sard-apples. We didn’t even have a barrel, how would we have Sard-apples?

So naturally, we had to kill them all. After a few blasts of ice, fire, arrows, and sunbeams, Dan managed to grab as many documents as he could and we sunk the ship by setting it completely ablaze. As we drifted away on a stolen lifeboat, Dan sent off a beacon of Count Pence’s symbol. Seems like a pretty obvious frame-job, but maybe it’ll work.

I think the next plan of action should be sneaking into Priebus’ place and retrieving the dagger that Korbin gave away. With all the commotion and accusation against Pence, he might be too busy to guard his belongings. And maybe, I can find something for myself while I’m there.

Meeting the Emperor

Timeline: 10/05/00 PRESENT DAY- 10/08/00 PRESENT DAY

Ketyl’s POV

As we came out of the woods, only Korbin, myself, Kronk, Lyanna, and Ethel were around. The rest seemed to have disappeared to the moon. Feels like I’m the only one who doesn’t get a funky moon adventure.

Not that I had a long time to worry about it, as horns were blown and we were immediately escorted by guards to the little fortress. Apparently, we still had some distance to cover before reaching Sanctuary. We learned that the barbarian problem had mostly burnt out with the lack of Slurnbase. I guess we actually did a better job than I thought? However, they were replaced by never-ending waves of demons. We might have to take care of that somehow before we leave this time period.

We spent the next few days traveling toward Sanctuary and came across a group of travelers. I recognized the voices and tried to warn the party to stay back, but Korbin went over and greeted the members of our party. Or rather, the past version of us. Luckily, they seemed to be too busy to pay too much attention to the weirdly similar guy that talked to them.

But…we didn’t show up here last time until the 13th… a minor paradox? We might be on a tighter time clock than anticipated. And what about those demons? We didn’t come across them last time.

I decided that we needed to disguise ourselves and managed to adequately disguise most of us, though it’s hard to make a Minotaur look too different with the supplies I had. At least compared to making a human look like an elf or a dwarf. I had to settle with simply changing the color of his fur and adding a few scars.

Ethel intercepted a note and interrogated the messenger in a weirdly flirty manner. But we got a lot of info. Apparently, Moldark had showed up as powerful as last time, but with Louis’ head on a pike! And tons of wizards verified it was real for Shao Khan. Did we actually manage to kill him? As a result, Shao Khan was leaning towards naming Moldark as his heir. We decided to try the front door this time since the ceremony was a few days away still. So at least that hadn’t changed.

We managed to get in easily enough, and met with Count Priebus. He was hesitant about letting us meet with Shao Khan ahead of everyone else, when suddenly Korbin gave him the dagger that we needed to kill the Elder! I was livid that Korbin would do such a thing, but I struggled to contain myself. I’d simply have to retrieve it later. Priebus mysteriously let us through after holding the dagger. That’s ominous. Hopefully, that won’t bite us in the ass later. But it probably will.

We headed up the stairs and briefly bumped in Count Sessions and Ethel flipped out and got herself thrown in jail despite our protests. Sigh, it’s like herding cats with this party. Guess it’s a good thing Dan is usually the leader.

We finally got to meet Shao Khan and it was pretty impressive with dozens of guards lining the halls. I tried to keep the info given to just what happened at the meeting and what we learned there (in order to minimize the chance of paradoxes, obviously), but Korbin once again revealed that we’re time travelers. I guess that makes it easier to explain, but it’s going to screw us later, I know it. With all the testimony we gave, Shao Khan said there would be a trial for Moldark at midnight tomorrow. If he was found innocent, Moldark would be named heir to the throne and Shao Khan would step down willingly, even giving up his vampirism.

We decided to go to Count Priebus’ wine tasting. Well, except for Kronk, who fucked off somewhere. I had to retrieve that dagger since Korbin seems so nonchalant about preventing the end of the world. But, as I asked around, he didn’t seem to be here at all. Just as I started to get suspicious, we were immediately surrounded and shanked by some waiters. I didn’t have much time to think about these assassins our enemies had obviously sent before I went unconscious momentarily. Luckily, Korbin mopped them up. I’d be more grateful if we weren’t at this party because of his recklessness.

Political intrigue is hard, you guys.

Facing Our Demons

Timeline: 0 AQB forward to 10/05/00 AQB

Ketyl’s POV

As we teleported into Silotown, we were quickly approached by Kreg, Dale, Grimsbone, and Gullycloak. We explained the situation to them and they were unsurprisingly suspicious of our story. I pointed out that time travel is hardly that different in scale from killing a god.

They agreed to help us with our plan. We even managed to get word to Gullycloak about the location of Morael’s phylactery. Perhaps he would be able to help us get inside the castle or even more. We spent a week getting all the supplies we needed, including the holy salt and the fire-hose dispenser. Certainly one of us could operate it.

Our plan set, we headed off to find Orin and explained our plan. He asked if we wanted to go to the time where he got the throne or where we unseated him. I pointed out that he was telling us too much information again.

As we stepped out of the time machine, we were confronted by demons that had apparently taken over the forests of the Northern Kingdom. They were menacing some of Shao Khan’s troops, but we took care of them. The demons seemed to know where we were going to show up. Do we have a mole? Why didn’t Shao Khan’s army of devils take care of the demons? They should still be around at this point in time.

We needed to move quickly and quietly for this plan to go off without a hitch.

Rendesvous-ie with Louis

Timeline: 25 AQB back to several months before 0 AQB, Days 1-7

Ketyl’s POV

We travelled to meet Orin and went back in time. We arrived near the Northern Kingdom, and headed towards a lit town. They let us in once they recognized Korbin.

We had a week until the meeting, so we decided to sell off some of the treasure we had accrued and I even got a chance to play for an audience again. It’s honestly just not as fun playing for the same people who just roll their eyes every time you pick up your instrument.

After each doing our own thing for a few days, we met up and learned that Korbin had bought a ton of explosives as a plan to ambush Moldark before the meeting even began. While initially annoyed that Korbin hadn’t seemed to understand the concept of a recon mission, we decided to tweak his plan slightly. Knowing that the Lich relied on True Sight to see through illusion, we hid the explosives under a small layer of gold coins in several standard chests.

If anybody asked what was in the chests, we could honestly respond with gold, thus not triggering Louis’ astounding ability of insight into lies.

As we were led deep into the Underdark, we saw seemingly bottomless chasms of darkness while being pulled in some form of carriage by giant spiders.

Once we arrived, Lyc revealed herself to not be Ziggy and we told Louis that Ziggy had asked us to come in his place to see what the deal was. I got a good look at our enemies for the first time: Morael, the lich, was a skeleton covered in the finest of robes and accessories; Moldark, the vampire, surprisingly lithe compared to the horrendous slob I had seen in Shao Khan’s throne room; and Louis Arizona, the fallen angel, who truly put to shame all description of an angel’s beauty.

And above all of us, a truly colossal worm (practically the size of a town from the looks of it) suspended by several chains as Drow bled it to be used for Slurnbase and some other drug.

Louis wasn’t happy that we crashed his party, but went on with his spiel, revealing that pretty much everything that went wrong with the future started here. This worm was in fact a restrained demon lord that Louis had been draining for a long time and using it to fuel the barbarians fighting the Northern Empire and his own drug trade. And he had now found a way to make the drug even more powerful and planned to use it on the highest bidder as an attempt to gain allies and to kill Shao Khan. Further, this demon worm was also the source of all the zombie worms that Morael had collected. But we also learned that anybody who consumed this “Super-Slurn” and the worms were weak to consecrated salt.

During this talk, Korbin set up the gold explosives strategically around the room. Kronk volunteered to be the one to take the super-drug so that Moldark couldn’t have it and Louis agreed under the condition that Kronk sign a magical contract forcing him to kill Shao Khan.

We discussed the contract for a few minutes before returning to Louis with plans to worry about the “killing Shao Khan” part later. But Louis had already started hooking up Moldark to the machine, complaining that we took too long to decide.

So, Plan B (and really what I wanted in the first place), we managed to take the villains by complete surprise, exploding the cave around us and teleporting out simultaneously. Just before we disappeared, I saw Moldark transform to a cloud of mist, meaning my plan had worked.

As we appeared in Silotown, I was fairly certain that we had not killed the demon lord, Louis and certainly not Morael. But hopefully we had at least delayed their plans for a little while. If the explosion triggered a cave collapse, it would take a while to dig out that demon worm.

So my teleportation to Silotown had two major purposes: one, have an actual guaranteed place to escape an exploding cave; and two, we’d need allies who already have a vested interest in getting rid of Morael’s influence and preventing Moldark’s ascension to the throne. Plus we’d need a hell of a lot of consecrated salt water and who better to go to than the Church of Ashava?

There’s a Starman stuck inside an Orb

Timeline: 25 AQB, Day 5

Ketyl’s POV

Unfortunately, as soon as I began explaining the situation to Boss Ash, he boomed that he actually was allies with the Elder. Whelp.

During the heated battle, I teleported to the next floor past the closed iron doors to see if I could free Ziggy, who was surely trapped somewhere. I saw a glittery form writhing in an orb surrounded by fire.

I spun a quick lie to some fire giants that were guarding him, but they saw through it and tried to push me out the door. I turned invisible and walked past them to the orb, where I saw a small slot. I aimed a crossbow bolt and shot so true that the bolt hit my target.

Unfortunately, it didn’t unlock the orb, but it richocheted and opened the door for my friends. As I saw them rush up, the guards immediately gave up, knowing that their boss was no more.

Korbin produced some strange key-like dagger… a keyblade, if you will. He took the dagger and freed Ziggy, with the unfortunate side-effect of being trapped instead. We intimidated one of the guards into taking Korbin’s place, while the other one fled.

We took the opportunity to talk to Ziggy and learned about the Elder’s one weakness, the keyblade that Korbin held. But it had a catch, it would slowly drive the user insane as it took on the traits of the outsiders that it killed.

We also learned several key details about Louis Arizona, that he was a powerful angel who fell from grace after consorting with the drow spider goddess, Lolth. We also learned that Moldark was undefeatable while he had his phylactery, and that he had a powerful magic item that allowed him to cast multiple spells at once!

We also learned about Morael’s lair was a horrific maze that phased in and out of existence on an 8-hour timer, filled to bursting with treasure, undead guardians, and lesser dracoliches.

Knowing all this, we planned to use Lyc’s changeling powers to impersonate Ziggy and keep it a recon-only mission. Discretion would be the better part of valor here. But would we pull it off without Louis or Morael suspecting? Or would we have to fight our way out as usual?

Lava Looms

Timeline: 25 AQB, Day 4-5

Ketyl’s POV

We decided that Ziggy needed to be consulted if he had any info on defeating the Elder. We could go back in time to the meeting afterwards. And the phylactery certainly wasn’t going anywhere.

So we took a rest and went to Doomwake Cinders’ territory near a volcano. As we arrived, we were greeted by all manner of humanoid creatures who seemed to be living in indentured servitude. A young pig farmer claimed that a new boss had taken over the Doomwake Cinders, a fire giant known as Boss Ash. He also explained that life was a lot easier as a slave under Boss Ash than it had been under Boss Coal, the boss who had been around in our time.

So we continued on toward the mountain. On the way, I summoned the genie and laid out my contract, confident that even he couldn’t find a loophole to exploit. He chuckled and granted my wish, which sounded ominous. But I got my wish! The Ollamh Harp was more beautiful than any story could have described it. The craftsmanship was astonishing, even with the power of a wish.

I decided to wait to attune to it until I could get Dan to identify it. Have to make sure it isn’t somehow cursed.

I caught up with the rest of my party at the base of the volcano where they were talking to a fire giant and some salamanders. The giant was being dodgy about whether he knew of Ziggy, so I volunteered Korbin for a rock-throwing contest with the prize being info. Korbin won, of course, exploding a pig with the power of super steroid drugs.

The giant didn’t reveal much more, only briefly saying that Boss Ash had cloistered himself away and had banished all bards. But why? Does he hate the sound of music? That could be useful info. The giant brought us in for a tour. He babbled for a while about how great their smithing was, until I asked to meet with Boss Ash, bluffing that I had a message for him.

But, of course, Korbin had to ruin a perfectly good talk by opening his mouth and blowing my cover. Why, man? Who does that benefit? So now we have to fight through the entire volcano. I managed to charm these ones into dropping their best treasures and fleeing as far as possible. The others took care of the hellhounds while Kronk and I tried to get to the controls for the lift to the next floor. After some debate, we managed to get the gnomes to help us. Kronk smashed the lever so they couldn’t turn it off. Smart.

I flew past the second floor to get to the third floor. Maybe if I got to them before Korbin did, I could still resolve this peacefully. As fun as it would be to loot this place, it’s unwise to do so when everyone is on alert.

I managed to trick the giants that I was a representative of Orin’s from Silotown who had a message for Boss Ash himself. One that could only be told to him personally. Parts of the story are lies, but enough is true that it’s easily verifiable. I’m able to convince them to put away their weapons while Boss Ash comes to hear the message.

The rest of my party, sans Korbin, showed up and went along with my story. I passed them off as bodyguards, claiming that it would be bad if I got captured before delivering a message. Lyanna quietly warned me that it would become a brawl if Korbin showed up. Hopefully, he had stayed behind in a considerate attempt to give me time to smooth things over. Likely, he just wanted to fight a bunch of giants.

I nearly blew it for a moment when I ask if they want to hear a song, and the giants nearly shit themselves in anger. I managed to fix the problem by making unfunny fart sounds with my armpit. Can’t believe I nearly ruined my own attempt at diplomacy. How stupid of me.

A truly enormous giant with two large, untarnished shields flanked by regular fire giants began to come down the lift from an upper floor. Boss Ash had arrived. As soon as he got to me, my plan would begin in earnest.


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